The White Hat

he other day, I came home from work in the morning. During taking a shower, I remembered.

Long time ago, I wanted to be a superman, a white hat who is strong, powerful and brave enough to fight against evils.

I thought that the conversation I heard somewhere reminded me of my childhood memory.
That was normal conversation like this.

A: How about the design of this page format? What do you think?
B: Well, it might be better if you change this way, I think.
C: Indeed. It can be said that person who doesn't know would rather have an unlimited idea.
A: Can be. I know well about those stuffs, and I sure feel my design ideas are poor and limited. I always have to think whether I could realize them or not.

I was moved to the phrase in that conversation: "I have to think whether I could realize them or not." Draw a line between things you can do and you can't do. I too bind myself by drawing various kinds of lines, setting limitations. But from when, I wondered.
Drying my hair with a towel, my conscious went back to my childhood.

People develop themselves step by step feeling something in just living everyday life. However, in despite of mental growth, we are assumed and called as adults in society at certain age. There is a conflict in our mind while adapting ourselves in a public scheme.

We are involved in the circle of society when we became adults and those adults should have "responsibility." That word means a lot to me because it's a heavy and scary reason against myself. Adults must care about situations, that is, responsibilities. A figure crosses my mind.

As time passes, we become aware of importance of having responsibility. Maybe we are forced by society. We see things as capable or not, getting scared and building a wall. In a way, we become to have judgments.

If I understand it as it is, I wouldn't be disturbed that much with the conversation.
Why I wanted to be a superman as a child?
Now I know that I can't be a superman and that there is no such thing. In that meaning, I am grown up. However, I questioned myself: Is this the way of growing up as an adult that I expected when I was a child?
We try to deliver results knowing limitations, and can strive because we see our goals. Sticking to things we can, we unconsciously control our motivation and lose ourselves in what we really wanted to do.

When we get hurt and lost, we protect ourselves by changing experience to pride. It might be right and necessary to survive but there is no other way? I don't know what the other way could be. Would it be something I had when I was a child and that I lost?

And I realized what have changed or been lost in me.

A strong imagination and belief that I could be anything I wish. It doesn't matter whether it is capable or not but it does matter whether I want to do it or not, and how you want it. The most important thing is not to lose the ability by myself.
I want to retrieve the feeling by starting to believe again. I am not what I expected to be in my childhood but I still want to be a superman, a white hat.

Thank you all who read this column. It's my first time to write a column and I guess my writing is so poor. But I wish you would understand what I wanted to say even if only slightly.
And I would like to say thank you to my bosses who have given this chance to me.
(I wanna make my friends happy! Yeah!)

written by Candler,

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